Faith

I’m down on my hands and scraping my knees.

I’ve made a mistake.

I’m praying to God and hoping that it’s not too late.

It would be great if He said something,

Anything at all.

Each time that I fall, I break.

Please, oh God.

I’m losing my faith.

Copyright © 2016 by Nita Pan

All rights reserved.  This post or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a review.
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Dear Words

Dear Words,

You’re long.  You’re short.  You can astound us and smash us to minuscule pieces.  We string you together and you define our identity.  I find myself obsessing over how to order you in every page, every paragraph.  I exhaust you throughout the day with both my mouth and pen.

They say to use ‘kind’ words.  But what does that mean?  In my mind, I see that you are nothing but a tool.  I spit you out in red-hot fury.  My body racks with sobs, and you come out in choking gasps.  Biting my lip, you flow awkwardly out from my smile.  Disjointed and full of life, you bubble out alongside laughter.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from both life and writing, it is that you are what we make of you.

So, here it is:

I’m sorry for using you in anger, and I’m sorry for making you trip over yourself when I’m flustered.  I am deeply sorry for using you as a sword, but I won’t apologize for making them laugh.  I’m not sorry for brightening their day, or making them feel better about themselves.  For making people think, accept, and luxuriate in life.  The world is a beautiful place covered with scars and filled with equally scarred and beautiful people.  Your very existence gives us the opportunity and obligation to make the world a better place.

Thank you.

– Nita Pan

Hey Courtney

Hey Courtney,

Didn’t you see the way he broke

After his parents wrapped around that tree?

The blank slate of his face when you said it was on purpose.

Did you cry when they found that boy’s body floating on the lake?

Hey Courtney,

How many times did you throw cupcakes at Alison H.?

Did you get a kick when she slit her wrists and nearly died?

 Hey Courtney,

Your heart is a box that hasn’t been unlocked in so long.

Can’t you feel anything?

When you’re having sex with your best friend’s ex are there any regrets?

The videotape he made recorded everything.

Hey Courtney,

The tape wasn’t the only thing made that night.

Hey Courtney,

Even though you should feel lost and alone

You’re too busy drinking your worries away.

Don’t you see that if you keep this up the baby won’t be okay?

Hey Courtney,

You drive to the clinic to get something done

About that baby bump.

Hey Courtney,

Were you sober enough to see the headlights?

Hey Courtney,

Shadows dance before your eyes.

Your whole body aches and you finally worry about the other life inside.

You’re wheeled to the maternity ward.

Vomit stains the hospital floor.

You scream as they yell push!

Hey Courtney,

Cradling that piece of magic in your aching arms,

You think to yourself that nothing could go wrong.

Hey Courtney,

You don’t care that he has his father’s eyes.

All you see is that God sent you an angel in disguise.

Your life’s on a new course;

You’ll say you’re sorry to all you’ve wronged.

Thinking of the drowning, you hold up the babe.

“Daniel-James is your name.”

But, hey Courtney,

Daniel-James was three months early.

Courtney,

Can’t you see that this isn’t the end?

Even though he’s entangled in tubes, he’ll be alright.

You’ll be alright.

Copyright © 2016 by Nita Pan

All rights reserved.  This post or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a review.

Remind Us

Years fly by,

Days turn to dust,

And we wonder where the time went.

The clock spins out of our control,

Reminding us how helpless we are.

Hours whiz past,

Minutes drag on,

And we rush about in our busy lives.

The calendar pages are quickly filled,

Reminding us of all the lost moments.

Decades turn to centuries,

Centuries turn into a millennium,

And we’re shocked by all that’s changed.

Our empires crumble all around us,

Reminding us that all must end.

Books are written,

Songs are sung,

And we wonder if we’ll live on.

The libraries burn and records break,

Reminding us that much can be lost.

Children are born,

People research and dig,

And we’re rediscovered.

The rubble of our time, their history,

Reminds them of their ghosts.

Copyright © 2016 by Nita Pan

All rights reserved.  This post or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a review.

The Pit

Trapped in a pit

Of Dark and Despair,

Can’t you see my end everywhere?

Oh, how I watch them climb

Higher and higher!

But a ledge is in the way;

A wall separating freedom and pain.

The only ones who are free

Lay in a pile of rotten flesh.

There is no love

In this place of demons.

Love only gets you sent here.

They think that because I grew up in this darkness

That I really don’t mind.

That I have no dreams,

No want for [a real] life.

I want out of this pit-

This hell I’m in!

My only friends

Are shadows and a man

Who protects me

And covers my back

As I make the perilous climb.

Up, up, up I go!

Here is my end

-The ledge-

In front of me.

As blood and darkness splashes and dyes the ground below,

It hits me:

“This is it.”

I mutter to myself.

I breathe in and jump!

Soaring

To either my death or salvation,

I know there’s no turning back.

My hands hit the stone,

And I grip tight.

I’m not willing to fall.

I’m going to fight!

I am of the Pit, but it will never own me.

Light is mine.

At last!

Copyright © 2015 by Nita Pan

All rights reserved.  This post or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a review.